She had thought, "I won't try to
appear happy when I am not. I won't adopt the conventional mask of
gayety when the heart is wounded. How often I have seen through it
and smiled at the transparent farce--farce it seemed then, but I
now fear it was often tragedy. At any rate there was neither
dignity nor deception in it. I have done with being false, and so
shall simply act myself and be a true woman. Though my heart break
a thousand times, not even by a glance shall I show that it is
breaking for him. If he or others surmise the truth, they may; let
them. It is a part of my penance; and I will show the higher,
stronger pride of one who makes no vain, useless pretence to happy
indifference, but who can maintain a self-control so perfect that
even Mrs. Alston shall not see one unmaidenly advance or
overture."
She succeeded for a time, as we have seen, but she overrated her
will and underrated her heart, that with deepening intensity
craved the love denied her. With increasing frequency she said to
herself, "I must go away. My only course is to hide my weakness
and never see him again.
Pages:
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350