One story, which he tells,
is of two Irish Assemblymen, both of whom wished to be leader of
the minority. One, he calls the "Colonel," the other, the "Judge."
There was a question being discussed of money for the Catholic
Protectory, and somebody said that the bill was
"unconstitutional." Mr. Roosevelt writes:
The Judge, who knew nothing--of the constitution, except that it
was continually being quoted against all of his favorite projects,
fidgetted about for some time, and at last jumped up to know if he
might ask the gentleman a question. The latter said "Yes," and the
Judge went on, "I'd like to know if the gintleman has ever
personally seen the Catholic Protectoree?" "No, I haven't," said
his astonished opponent. "Then, phwat do you mane by talking about
its being unconstitootional? It's no more unconstitootional than
you are!" Then turning to the house with slow and withering
sarcasm, he added, "The throuble wid the gintleman is that he
okkipies what lawyers would call a kind of a quasi-position upon
this bill," and sat down amid the applause of his followers.
His rival, the Colonel, felt he had gained altogether too much
glory from the encounter, and after the nonplussed countryman had
taken his seat, he stalked solemnly over to the desk of the elated
Judge, looked at him majestically for a moment, and said, "You'll
excuse my mentioning, sorr, that the gintleman who has just sat
down knows more law in a wake than you do in a month; and more
than that, Mike Shaunnessy, phwat do you mane by quotin' Latin on
the flure of this House, WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THE ALPHA AND OMAYGA
OF THE LANGUAGE!" and back he walked, leaving the Judge in
humiliated submission behind him.
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