All unaware, and in a manner which
I had no power to explain, I was pushed from my immovable and lofty
station and cast upon a sea of troubles.
I determined to be my brother's visitant on this evening; yet my
resolves were not unattended with wavering and reluctance.
Pleyel's insinuations that I was in love affected in no degree my
belief; yet the consciousness that this was the opinion of one who
would probably be present at our introduction to each other would
excite all that confusion which the passion itself is apt to
produce. This would confirm him in his error and call forth new
railleries. His mirth, when exerted upon this topic, was the
source of the bitterest vexation. Had he been aware of its
influence upon my happiness, his temper would not have allowed him
to persist; but this influence it was my chief endeavor to conceal.
That the belief of my having bestowed my heart upon another
produced in my friend none but ludicrous sensations was the true
cause of my distress; but if this had been discovered by him my
distress would have been unspeakably aggravated.
III
As soon as evening arrived, I performed my visit.
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