She
was not in love with Glazzard; personally, he had never charmed her,
and in the progress of their acquaintance she had discovered many
points of his character which excited her alarm. Serena, after all,
was but a half-educated country girl; even in the whirlwind of
rebellious moments she felt afraid of the words that came to her
lips. The impulses towards emancipation which so grievously
perturbed her were unjustified by her conscience; at heart, she
believed with Ivy Glazzard that woman was a praying and subordinate
creature; in her bedroom she recounted the day's sins of thought and
speech, and wept out her desire for "conversion," for the life of
humble faith. Accepting such a husband as Eustace, she had committed
not only an error, but a sin. The man was without religion, and
sometimes made himself guilty of hypocrisy; of this she felt a
miserable assurance. How could she hope to be happy with him? What
had interested her in him was that air of culture and refinement so
conspicuously lacked by the men who had hitherto approached her. He
had seemed to her the first _gentleman_ who sought her favour. To
countenance him, moreover, was to defy her mother's petty rule. But,
no, she did not love him--did not like him.
Yet to retract her promise she was ashamed. Only girls of low social
position played fast and loose in that way.
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